Year one of graduate school complete! I don’t get much of a break, but I can breathe a bit. I know year two will be more challenging due to thesis work and more difficult courses, but I have learned a lot about life and myself in the process to feel confident. I truly feel balanced. I went into grad school not knowing how I would fare. Prior to grad school I had spent a lot of time physically healing from back surgery and mentally healing from the eating disorder. I had a few classes and completed some important certifications, but ultimately this time was focused on recovery and building a solid foundation. Jumping back into the real world was both exhilarating and frightening. It hasn’t all been perfect, I know it’s not supposed to be. In fact, it has been a bit messy. Messy and beautiful. Difficult. Agonizing. Tiring. Wonderful. Amazing. All of it. I haven’t written in a long time because of this last stretch of projects and tests. Also because I was trying to stay afloat. I should have been writing and reading and coloring and using all those self-care techniques, but stress got the better of me. I have enjoyed not being paralyzed with stress and able to do some things not related to school. This is important for me to remember and realize going forward that taking time to myself and putting school work aside is not selfish. Stopping to go out to eat and put down the journal articles is not selfish. Going to bed early is not selfish. I am so grateful for the people in my life and grateful for my life itself. My field of work can be difficult some days, but it has taught me a lot about patience and a lot about making your life worthwhile by doing things you love. So for me, please stop today and take time to do something for yourself. Reflect on the past few weeks, months, years, and think about if your life is in alignment with your passions and desires.
I am incredibly grateful today for the strength I have built during my recovery. March was a difficult month. I let the stress of school and life runaway with me and health fell by the wayside. I was ignoring hunger cues, pushing meals off until later in the day, and was consumed with negative thoughts. I was struggling through forced workouts and was always tired. It took a lot of effort to admit that I needed some extra reinforcement, but I met with my nutritionist who I hadn’t seen in several months and it changed everything. I didn’t want to go because I knew everything she was going to say and I knew what I needed to do to get back on track. Yet just the act of going and voicing where I was in life helped turn the corner. This past week is the first in a long time where I followed my plan the entire week. I was able to do this because I planned and prepared and put my health first. I ate more consistently and had energy for my workouts. I am training now and it is important to maintain that balance. I am trying new foods and ideas and the planning makes my week infinitely less stressful. I feel like I am breathing again. I needed to stop and write this down so that in the future if I have similar struggles I will know what works and what I need to do. Next week is a very busy week so I am going to plan over the weekend and am encouraged that it will be manageable.
Guess what? If you actually follow your meal plan and eat consistently throughout the day, you don’t get overly hungry or full and there is balance! While this may seem intuitive to most people, it is something I needed to be reminded of. Yesterday I followed my meal plan for the first time in a couple of months and I am working on showing my dietician that between now and in two weeks when I see her, that I can follow my plan and hold myself accountable. While I was proud of what I accomplished yesterday and what I am accomplishing today, it remains a difficult mind game. I feel a bit dismayed and the eating disorder likes to think I am a failure. Although I know my weight didn’t drastically change overnight, my body image is shit today. I am going to trust my body and my dietician and follow this damn plan for the next two weeks and see how it goes. I know it is likely some things will be discussed and adjusted at that time, but for now all I can do is try. More than half the battle with me is the actual planning. It is way easier to go about my day and ignore meals all together until later, so stopping to eat seems like a great annoyance. I realize though that actually planning things out ahead of time helps the day go smoother in the end. Like today for example, instead of restricting and putting off lunch or spending a lot of wasted time trying to decide what I should or shouldn’t eat, I have my lunch in the fridge and when my reminder goes off to stop and eat I will. No extra thought involved. I am also working towards increasing my water intake, especially on rest days because I tend to only drink a lot of water during workouts. I am writing this on paper so to speak in order to continue to hold myself accountable. I don’t tend to be vocal about when I struggle, but writing helps to keep me on track. Hope everyone else is having a great day and if you are struggling to stay on your meal plan know that you aren’t alone and we can do this. Just keep moving forward because you will never know the outcome unless you push. I have a feeling that staying on a plan will have a very positive outcome in my life especially mentally.
Saturday was the first time in a long time where I actually dreaded going to therapy and I literally had to drag myself there and talk myself out of canceling on several occasions. Now I am sitting here talking myself into making an appointment with my dietitian. I am writing a recovery update because the more you talk about something the less power and control it has over your life. Recovery is an ever evolving process that I have recently taken for granted. I enjoyed a season of life for most of last year where recovery wasn’t taking up much space in my mind and I felt true freedom. Recently it has been quite the opposite and I have been coming to terms with that. Having to wake up and constantly battle myself is exhausting. I forgot how exhausting. The reality is I know that the eating disorder will never be a solution and this is just another season of life and I will grit my teeth and make it by. Talking to people, being honest with my treatment team, making an effort to meal plan….all these things help put out that fire.
I have made it a priority to practice mindfulness in my recovery, especially in the area of exercise. I grew up a competitive athlete and my career has always revolved around numbers. Score in gymnastics, time in swimming, score in jump rope, etc. Any athlete strives to make a certain time, hit a certain number. It is an imperative part of winning. But what happens when those numbers start to control you instead of you controlling them? My self-worth became completely dependent on these numbers. Eventually these numbers that had been associated with training and competition were not enough. I found myself chained to a treadmill running x amount of miles or to burn x amount of calories. It no longer became about winning or having fun, just an all-consuming obsession. I convinced myself I was doing it for training. Doing it to win. Part of the lies of an eating disorder. I wrote in a previous post about how completely abstaining from exercise helped begin to change my mindset. I was forced to stop all exercise due to a spinal fusion surgery. This was a blessing in disguise and I really don’t know where I would be today if I wasn’t forced to stop. Prior to the surgery, although in pain, I pushed and pushed myself to exhaustion. I spent an entire World Championship in pain and had the worst experience of my career. I needed a change and after surgery is when I decided to re-enter treatment for the eating disorder. I knew if I rushed back into exercise I could permanently damage my spine so I gave up all control to my treatment team and started from scratch. As I began to heal and slowly started more activity, I went to a specific group for athletes with eating disorders. I really suggest finding a group like this for anyone who has a disordered relationship with exercise. I highly suggest if you are an athlete or struggle specifically with exercise dependence to seek out an eating disorder therapist who specializes in sport psychology. I was very hesitant with the group at first because I wasn’t sure how being in a room full of competitive athletes –who thrive on competition- could be a healthy environment. It turned out to be extremely healing. One of the first things that was discussed and practiced was mindfulness. And for mindfulness to occur, the numbers had to go. Running with no set pace or time or mileage. Jumping without keeping score and counting. With practice, it became more intuitive to just be. It was very therapeutic to focus on how my body felt, how my muscles moved, how my breath felt. I also branched out and tried other forms of exercise like yoga and more resistance training. I became very appreciative of my body and my strength rather than loathing workouts and forcing my broken self through repetition. Even if you are in the depths of exercise obsession, I challenge you to try a workout using mindfulness. Cover the numbers on a treadmill, run outside on new trail, whatever you need to do to separate the activity from numbers and to really focus on yourself. It has been a slow transformation, over two years, but I have been able to return to training for competition. I have regained control of the numbers which now hold a very different meaning for me. They represent my strength and leave me excited for the next challenge. There are times I still catch myself falling back into old patterns. When this happens I immediately go back to a few days of a new activity or more active recovery. It is a balancing act just like every other aspect of recovery. Through this group I was also able to gain a sense of peace with my competitive nature. I am able to appreciate other athletes for their strengths instead of constantly comparing myself to them. I have found an identity outside of my sport and love trying new forms of exercise. Gyms can breed negative competitive environments, but find people or a gym that fits your personality. I have found overwhelming support in mine and I promise you that you can restore your relationship with exercise as long as you don’t try to do it alone.
I am exhausted. Not in the bad – I can’t get out of bed, hate life kind of exhausted. The – I have been so busy out living life that I am exhausted. It is a nice change from the first. I am faced with a lot of work to get done because I have put that work aside for more favorable experiences. Yes I have deadlines, everyone does in life, but sometimes it is better to not spend hours being a perfectionist trying to get the perfect grade. I rarely used to procrastinate. I don’t recommend it all the time, but having to stay up later a few nights over the past few weeks was well worth it. All the little experiences from a super bowl parade to hiking with my dogs have made me genuinely happy. It has been awhile since I have done a gratitude list, but I really think it is important when things are going well in life to write things down to return to on those not so great days.
- Football. I am sad that the season is over, but finishing with a super bowl win was worth every up and down during the season. Football is more than just a sport to me. It brings my friends and family together. It also brings the community together and I know everyone will continue to celebrate well into the summer.
- Fresh air. My boyfriend and I took our dogs on a hike out around a secluded lake for Valentine’s Day. There is no other feeling in the world like getting outside and being surrounded by nature. I tend to forget how soothing being outside is, even if it is only for a few moments in the backyard. I am hoping to go snow shoeing for the first time in the next couple weeks as well which will be an amazing experience. I am definitely yearning for warmer weather too for more hikes and camping.
- People. Usually I am more of an introvert and a lot of people tend to get on my nerves, but lately that has been changing. I credit working with cancer survivors because I get to meet and interact with new clients on a weekly basis. It has really opened my eyes to how every one of us is truly an individual with unique talents and experiences. I have learned a lot through observation and really listening to people. When I stop to actually listen to someone and understand what they are saying I tend to have a more positive interaction. We all want to be heard, but it is rare to listen and remove your thoughts and judgements. I encourage everyone to practice empathy on a daily basis.
- Family. This really goes without saying, but I grateful every moment for the support and encouragement from those around me.
- My health. I am grateful that I can get out and be active and enjoy the things I love with the people I love. A lot of times we take for granted what our bodies actually do for us. There were times in my life where I could barely get around my house, especially after the spinal fusion, and now I am physically in the best shape of my life because I am healthy. For one I am nourishing myself and two I know when to rest and take it easy. Injury and sickness give me a very cut and dry perspective of how precious my health and physical body are to me. You only get one, take care of it.
What are one or two things you are grateful for today?
I found myself incredibly frustrated the other morning. I was driving to school and reached over into my bag where earlier that morning I had placed two homemade blueberry muffins and to my astonishment (and instant irritation) they were nowhere to be found! I got to school and searched the entire car even though I knew it was illogical they could have made their way to the backseat. And the moment I gave into reality that they were nowhere near me, my boyfriend texted me a picture with a question mark and a picture of my lovely muffins in their bag in the middle of my living room floor. Damn. I was specifically craving these delicious muffins for the morning. I had to sigh and move on and eat a banana, peanut butter, and protein bar even though none of it sounded as appetizing as those muffins. This was one of those moments that makes me very appreciative of my recovery. In the past this would have either gone one of two ways. One- I would have found myself ecstatic that I had left behind my breakfast as it would be the perfect time to restrict. Two- It would have ruined my entire morning and I would be left trying to alter my meal plan and be very indecisive of my choices especially with no appetite. Recovery made me realized that although the situation wasn’t favorable, breakfast is required and even though I didn’t feel like eating what I had left, I did it anyway and moved on with my day. Little moments like this are a wonderful reminder that I am free.