My identity as a writer has been fading into the nothingness as blank pages constantly stare back at me. Even my journal pages remain sparse and only dotted with inconsequential nothings about what I did that day or maybe what I should do. Nothing creative, nothing of substance. I wrack my brain and utilize all my energy on scientific papers which is part of my livelihood, and then nothing is left for me. I want connection, I want authentic community. But at the same time this means engagement and putting the words out there. Sometimes I think I am completely losing my voice and then I ponder if I ever found it at all? My last post was back in February and was appropriately titled “Frozen.” Frozen I have remained for four months.
To be honest, in the writing department I have been frozen for much longer. I have published only four blog posts in the past two years. So much has happened in my life in the past two years I could sit down and write an entire novel. So why is it so hard to start? I want to get back to that place where writing excites me and gives me the opportunity to use my words to paint a picture for others. To connect with my own emotions. To screw my own head back on so to speak. When I get lost inside my own head, I am no longer connected to my body, let alone to my experiences. The days bleed together, and I could not tell you what I did two weeks ago. Navigating a pandemic has made this season of life even more challenging and you would think I would have a ton to say about recovery and life in general. Do I?
I am often told that I need to slow down. To stop rushing through life. This is exaggerated during times of hypomania and I fear if I slow down I might stop entirely. If I keep rushing to the next thing then I don’t have time to deal with how I am feeling. I have been rushing around for awhile now to the point where those emotions are no longer describable. So much so that when I sit down to write, I am blank. So much for being mindful. It is a survival tactic that always backfires in the end. You can only rush around so long before you do stop entirely. And shatter. I have enough experience in my back pocket to make this realization. That is a big step, but still I need to take action. So here I am. Showing up and trying to unfreeze.
I thought about revamping the blog entirely but I think it is important to show where I have come from, how I grow over time. The ebbs and flows of life. I may play around with new themes or customizations but for now posting more than four posts in two years would be a great place to start.